There is a question I have been meaning to ask somebody, but a question that because I thought of posing it to someone else, I feel I must ask it to myself first. “Before you lay your head to rest at night, when you analyze yourself, what exactly is it that comes to mind?” I haven’t written anything for some time, which seems to be how I begin anything I do happen to write these days, with the acknowledgment that I haven’t been writing as often as I should. Well, why? How could the willingness to partake in something that I found such utility and joy in evaporate?
The analysis of myself before going to sleep consists of many different messages, or thoughts, you could say, and hardly any of them uplifting or positive. It becomes effortless to accept these messages as objective truth or reality because, after all, this is my analyzation process, I am the one thinking; therefore, these thoughts cannot be disputed. Well, why would anybody, if given the choice, consistently feed themselves a negative evaluation? It’s different than, for example, when I do or say something wrong, where I beat myself up over it and long for the moment to forgive or atone for what I’ve done. I should feel bad or guilty for wrongdoing; however, these “messages” do not fall into the same category. We are talking about the answers arising from specific questions we posit ourselves. Questions such as, well, “How come the willingness to write has eluded me?” “Why, when I do write, is the reception not as I wish it would be?” “How come so-and-so doesn’t like me, or for that matter, how come anyone doesn’t like me!?” Let me first say this – I (or we) are asking ourselves the wrong questions, but in any case, why would we continuously answer these questions in a negative fashion? We wouldn’t, and we don’t. They come from somewhere that we “don’t know” exists, somewhere dark (and hot), and they are all lies. Writers are often told to “kill their darlings,” a rule of thumb that I am about to disregard completely, but I have to get this in – might I suggest that we stop asking the wrong “entity” questions? Of course, we will receive awful answers. A question such as, “How come nobody likes me?” is immediately sent below, whereas, “How do I become more likable?” is, conversely, sent above..
A bit of a strange setup for what I am ultimately about to turn this piece into, but the point is that somewhere along the way, I agreed to the lies. It’s interesting to think that the best lies we could ever tell or be told are masqueraded as the truth, making it extremely difficult to separate the two. Is this what “gaslighting” means? I’m not sure; I have a tendency to go against the grain and refuse to learn or use any new popular “social media” word. Anyway, here is an example of the lies that I agreed to when I’ve asked myself about writing:
– You’re only a good writer when you drink; writing is one of the few things you like to do, so you’d better drink if you want to write. Moreover, drinking brings you to dark places, and dark places are good for writers! Plus, all your favorite writers or authors did it!
– Nobody reads anymore anyway, so what you like to do is meaningless.
– Actually, if you were any good at writing, people would read what you write, but they don’t, so you suck. Quit.
– Perhaps there was a time when you were good at writing, but it has been so long that you’ll never find the level you were at before.
There is some truth in there, I suppose. Reading anything over 140 characters or so is essentially out the window, and many of the best writers indeed drank themselves into oblivion. However, as previously mentioned, that is the best way to tell a lie, to take a small truth and use it for an even grander lie. By and large, it is all bullshit, and it is being fed to us by something that wants us to think that it doesn’t exist. Well, it does. Do what it doesn’t want you to do.
This is about to take a strange turn, but I felt that I did not have anything too pressing to write about, which was, of course, another lie. In an attempt to do what it doesn’t want me to do, I thought to myself, “Just write anything. Anything at all. Even if it is just thought-vomit.” I can do that; I can vomit thoughts onto a page. This is more for me than it is for y’all. You can stop reading now, but alas, here is me vomiting out my most recent thoughts in hopes that it gets me back into the swing of things:
– I was in Church this past Sunday, and the Pastor directed us to the story of Pontius Pilate declaring Jesus’ innocence to the people. Know who “the people” reminded me of? Americans in 2023. We are an angry mob. The 2023 American people would want to crucify Jesus. They want everyone crucified, it appears.
– Sadhguru said just recently, and it was a brilliant point, that as we advance technologically, “humans are going to have to do something that a damn machine cannot do.” Writing, unfortunately, is something that a machine can do, so I might be screwed on that front. However, I’d like to think that a machine cannot duplicate an individual’s mind in any precise manner. I hope I’m not wrong about that. That’s a frightening thing to think about.
– I’ve found myself missing the ex. Actually, most days, I miss the ex. She deserves her happiness, though, and it looks as if she’s found it. Good for her. Gross.
– It’s possible that people are miserable. I’ve been thinking a lot about working hard vs. working joyfully. Yes, you can do both, and that would be the goal, right? But, only working hard is misery. There has to be joy involved, or else the hard work is not worth doing. Sometimes I think I’ve been successful at doing both, working hard and joyfully, and I don’t think people like that very much. It is to the point where they’ll try to make you believe that working joyfully somehow equals being lazy. I don’t buy it. Most people work hard – not joyfully.
– Tennis is such a great sport. It is shocking to me how it isn’t more popular in the States. Perhaps because it is such a cardio-dominated sport. Americans aren’t big fans of cardio. Alcaraz and Sinner are amazing.
– Okay, this one is important to me. The other day, I was “chairing” a meeting, and one of the topics was “being friendly with our friends.” So often, I find myself insulting my friends, who I love, but under the mask of a joke. When was the last time I said something friendly to a friend? Anyway, there is this girl in there who I have something resembling a “brother-sister” sibling rivalry with, and at the end of the meeting, I had everyone say nice things about each other one by one. She took the stage, said nice things about me, and even said she loved me; however, in order to not ‘break character,’ I didn’t say anything back. As a matter of fact, I threw in a jab for good measure. For reasons I understand, I’m blocked or at least ignored on most fronts, so I’d like to take this opportunity in public. I love you, too. You’re such a douche, but I love you, too. Hilarious. Shockingly smart. You aren’t as dumb as you look.
Thank you all for enduring that.
To Whom Are We Asking Our Questions?
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