The Mind From a Dark Room Pt. 1 – “The Pick Me Boy” – wysb.me (whatsyourstorybro.com)
The Mind From a Dark Room Pt. 2 – “There is No Secondary Love” – wysb.me (whatsyourstorybro.com)
I must reverse course – immediately. Last night, as fate would have it, I had the worst sleep I’ve had in years. There were voices, nightmares, and “apparitions” galore. God is real, and he, understandably, doesn’t appreciate much of what I’ve written. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me that as I was mocking God’s creation, even mocking myself, which qualifies as God’s creation, of course, that I was doing “the other guy’s” bidding. There is, however, some utility in the first two parts of this series, and the utility is that if you relate to anything I’ve written prior to this, you are in a dangerous place. God, because of my sarcastic, satirical approach to what He has created, I feel had left me alone for a single night, and that was all it took to find that no matter how dark I think it is at this present moment, believe you me, it gets darker than I ever could fathom. “Hell is a bottomless pit,” they say. This, I’ve discovered, is an ominous truth, one to be taken seriously, for even the mere threat of leaping off a bridge does not alleviate darkness, nor does actually carrying out the leap. The idea that eliminating oneself relieves them of guilt, pain, sadness, resentment, envy, or whatever emotion or feeling that accompanies hell, not the “idea” of hell, actual hell, because it is real, is but a trick in the bag of many of the lowest power. We cannot escape by way of the cheapest escape. Only a deeper, more sinister darkness would follow; however, I do want to bring you all good news, the most fantastic news, that because hell is real, God is real, and Heaven is real. Please, I beg of you, if you connect with the darkest parts of the mind that I have illustrated before this, understand that you are connecting with the enemy. Detach yourself this instant. Rediscover the Lord our God, for He is the light, the way out of the dark.
Father God, forgive me, for I know not what I do and know not what I was saying. The version of myself that I have depicted is not the version that you intended me to be, does not reflect your creation, and is not an example of the work you have already gracefully put into my life. Who was it exactly that rescued me from the pits of alcoholism, who gave me this “pen” that I write with today, who gave me two functioning arms and legs, who, for whatever reason, created me able-bodied as opposed to another who may be “less fortunate,” who has surrounded me with family and friends that love me when they have multiple reasons not to, who gave me life itself? It was not me; it was You. My lack of gratitude for what You have done is astonishing at times. You could have and still can call my number anytime You please, You could have removed me from your creation for speaking ill against you, for committing possibly the most despicable of sins in pointing your children in the wrong direction, but You have not. No, You have kept me alive because, apparently, You are not finished with me just yet. For this, Father, I am forever grateful, and I pray never to lose this “feeling” of gratitude again.
To the love of my life, whom I still feel is exactly that, I offer my apologies to you just as well. You witnessed some of my darkest days, which, obviously, were partnered with my darkest thoughts, and goodness me, you stayed! Some might argue that was stupid on your part, but I beg to differ. I cannot put into words how much hope it gives me, how much hope that it should give to others, that there is somebody out there that is willing to fight for what or who they love. Formerly, I had mentioned that I missed how “easy” it was and that was what I was missing, but that could not be further from the truth. Maintaining relationships is no easy task, but I certainly made it as difficult as it possibly could be, and that is not your fault but mine. While a bit of a comedic attempt, of course, I do not wish your new partner or any future partner to be struck by a bus. As a matter of fact, when I am operating outside of the “dark room,” it brings me great joy to see that you have found someone who is, hopefully, treating you the way that I feel you deserve to be treated. Yes, it is true, that while I wish it was currently me that is afforded that opportunity, it appears it wasn’t part of God’s plan. A plan that I spent the better portion of this series ridiculing and mocking, but it is evident that He knows better than I. To be honest (which is a weird phrase, isn’t it? As if I haven’t been honest at any other point), I’m actually quite envious of what you have today. At least, I think I am, anyway. God willing, I hope that I become the man God planned me to be so that I may bring joy to another the way I know that you do.
What is the way out of the dark and into the light, then? Well, is not the usefulness in discovering the most sickening parts within us that they be brought out of the dark; and, therefore, into the light? Without the awareness that we, or I, am a resentful, angry, envious, bitter, self-seeking sinner, I will perpetually be looking outward for healing rather than within, which is where God is found. If I may steal a quote from Mr. Carl Jung, he says, “Modern men cannot see God because he does not look low enough.” When people use the phrase “give it up to God,” what does that mean exactly? Does it not suggest that one travels within as low as conceivably possible to dig up their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that rest at the bottom, only to present them to the light that they may be uncovered? It is a contrasting process to the way of the west, where we showcase solely the highlights, the most lavish, productive parts of ourselves, so that everyone may see how good we are doing. Ah, but we know better than that, don’t we, reader? Perhaps some are illustrating the truth, if that be the case, a tip of the cap to them; however, this is still an external indicator and quite the contrary to any form of humility. Where is the Instagram post of the husband yelling at his wife, of the wife speaking to another man, of the baseball player striking out four times in a game, or of the one who drinks or uses again after a lengthy period of sobriety? It’s not there. I should know; I refused to signal that to everyone when it happened to me, but of course, the day that I reached a milestone? Oh, yes, you better believe it was posted. This procedure is looking from the top down to seek God as opposed to looking from the bottom up.
It’s a terrifying, counterintuitive course of action, as nobody wishes to stare into the abyss within, but “the dragon hoards the gold,” as they say. Looking where we least want to look, going where we would least like to go, forgiving who we would least like to forgive, and loving who we would least like to love is, unfortunately, the only method of turning dark to light. Who would dare detail the worst of themselves to another human being, or worse, who would dare detail the worst of them to God himself? We have a choice; we can either make this journey within voluntarily and bring what must be brought into the light on our own accord, or we can let society or somebody else do it for us, and the latter, my friends, is not the way I wish for it to be done, for anybody. “Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed or hidden that will not be known.” I can bring what must be brought into the light myself, or I can be caught looking funny in the light. The choice is mine – or ours. To be continued..
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