“I’m attracted to your intelligence and your douchebagness,” she said. It made me laugh, but a hint of truth in every joke, isn’t there? I thought to myself, “That’s the perfect name for a potential autobiography – The Intelligent Douchebag.” In many ways, that is exactly what I am; although I don’t know that I’m intelligent, I do know for a fact that I’m a douchebag. I also know that there is something worse than being a douchebag, and that’s being a drunk douchebag. That, I am not, so that’s better. You may not know that this “short essay” will be the last in the upcoming book. I’ve been re-reading each post and adding post-commentaries before each one. The latter half of the book is a bit depressing. My life in my second year of sobriety has been exponentially worse than the first; however, listen, at least I’m still sober. At least, I’m just a douchebag, not a drunk douchebag – who might be intelligent.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to leave the readers with. My favorite fighter of all time is Fernando Vargas. “From La Colonia Boxing, Oxnard, CA! The two-time World Champion! The reigning, defending, WBA Junior Middleweight Champion of the World! The Aztec Warrior! “El Feroz! Ferocious!” Fernandoooooo Vaaaaargggaaaaas!” Michael Buffer introduced him just like that before his fight against Oscar De La Hoya. It gets me hype every time. It’s almost as if I forget the outcome of the fight, which is Vargas getting KO’d in the 11th round. Anyway, there is a hidden gem in the fight that has nothing to do with the fight itself. Emanuel Steward and Larry Merchant are having a discussion in the middle of one of the rounds. Steward says something to the effect of, “If Vargas had faster hands, he would be dominating this fight right now.” Larry Merchant replied, “Well, yes, but if he had faster hands, he wouldn’t be Fernando Vargas; he would be somebody else.” What a brilliant point that was. (Author’s note: I had this wrong. This exchange between Merchant/Steward was from the first Vargas/Mosley fight.) We all have flaws that are part of the fabric of our being, and if we didn’t have those flaws, we wouldn’t be the people we are – we would be somebody else, and if we had zero defects whatsoever, then we would be God himself, which means there would be no need for us to be here, but we all know we aren’t Him. So, that’s good to know. My friends, we are allowed to cut ourselves some slack. Goodness me! It can be so difficult out here, can’t it? How are we supposed to do this – to navigate our way through life the way that we are? How!? You and I were made exactly the way we are, for reasons that we may never know, we didn’t have a choice in the world in which we were born into, nor a choice in how we look, how we sound, or in our character defects or traits, but I have all the evidence I need to understand that it can be done, because some of you motherfuckers out there have done it! Not only just done it but have done it well. I don’t know about you, personally, reader, but that is inspiration enough for me. Some of you people are absolutely incredible.
What they are is courageous. Dostoevsky, in “Notes from Underground,” is quoted as saying, “Twice-two makes four is not life, gentlemen, but the beginning of death.” It’s just brilliant; Dostoevsky is brilliant. Speaking of those courageous individuals, had they resigned to the fact that two plus two equals four, which it does, by the way, then nobody in the history of humanity would ever have done anything remarkable – ever. I can’t tell you how many times I have come up with a plan or an idea or had a dream but had done away with it because “reason will prevail, twice two is always four,” and, in the end, I have no reason to think that this will work out for me. It is logical for me to be afraid to do whatever I want to do, and that’s just it – it is logical to be fearful. There are a plethora of things to be afraid of in this world. Rejection, failure, God himself, not being good enough, death, you name it. The people that we respect and admire most, those courageous people we speak of, stared those logical fears in the face, discovered whatever it was that they loved to do, and went all-in after it because they could not stand to exist in a world where they weren’t doing just that. By the grace of God, because they did, two plus two suddenly became a lot more than four. That’s interesting to think about, isn’t it? Facts are not always the truth. Two plus two always equals four; it’s a fact, but it is not the truth. So, what is the truth? The truth is anything that pushes ourselves, the people around us, our communities, and society forward toward the good. It matters not if it is a “fact.” There are no facts, my friends. There are no answers, for they are forever changing; there is only truth.
I’ll leave you all with this. I was speaking to a friend of mine on the phone just a minute ago, as a matter of fact, and we were talking about how if you turn on CNN, they’re calling the other side morons. If you turn on FOX, they’re calling the other side depraved. Essentially, what you have is two sides giving each other the finger. Do we not live together here in America; do we not live together here on earth? In what universe is telling your compatriots to screw themselves in any way productive? The purpose of the modern discourse has become to win, so the other side can drop their shoulders and walk around defeated – so that the winners can call the other side losers.
The theme of WYSB, the theme of this book, is that you will never walk alone. We all agree that we never have to; however, we spend our time seemingly doing our best to ostracize as many people as we possibly can. “Do not be stingy with your selfishness.” Don’t just want the world to be better for you or your family – want the world to be better for everyone, enemies included. All we want to do is have “the better ideas” these days. “So and so is too afraid to debate me in the marketplace of ideas,” you might hear someone say. How long have we been at this now? Clearly, nobody has any grand ideas, eh? Otherwise, we wouldn’t be at each other’s throats all the time. An old-timer from my home group makes it simple, as the most profound ideas always are, but a two-part questionnaire he puts forth: 1) Is what I am about to do or say going to hurt myself, and 2) Is what I am about to do or say going to hurt someone else? If the answer is no, go ahead and do or say it. I wrote that in The Undertaker vs. Sting Paradigm, but it is absolutely precise in how we should handle our business.
With that, The Intelligent Douchebag Bids You Adieu. Keep coming back; we need each other.
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