Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is b- *Record scratch*
Can you hurry the f*** up, please!?
The driver ahead of me is going twenty miles per hour as if they have nowhere to be. Why do they even own a car if they are going to drive that slow? I sound like a pissed-off cow behind these Tennessee drivers. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOve!” The webpage is taking too long to load. Of course, the only page that I want to have loaded. What is the purpose of quality Wi-Fi? I might as well use dial-up and log on to AOL. At least AOL greeted me nicely after it took forever. “Welcome!” The coffee pot is taking too long to fill. Sports games seem to have a whistle blown every twelve seconds. The game is not even enjoyable at this pace. She is taking too long to text back. As a matter of fact, she isn’t texting back at all. What is everyone’s problem!?
If the Devil takes a hand in what is done in haste, which I believe he does, then clearly, there is something spiritually wrong with me. Nothing is happening fast enough. Instead of rowing gently down the stream, I am violently paddling, then cursing everyone else when I wind up in an embankment. How has this happened? I was more patient, more at peace, when I had four days of sobriety under my belt. Hyperbolic, that, but you get the drift. Is it a lack of gratitude? Have I forgotten where I came from? Did I let my boat become too heavy, filled with items and concerns that I do not need? Yes, more than likely, is the answer to all three questions. However, this problem with patience runs deep beneath the stream.
Patience is a spiritual principle; therefore, this is a spiritual problem. Patience, as a spiritual principle, may also be referred to as “creative waiting.” That is an interesting way to look at it. I’m probably creative; I’m just not good at waiting. We agreed that the Devil takes a hand in what is rushed. With that agreed upon, here is another quote: “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” – Leo Tolstoy. Time is the greatest weapon at my disposal to combat the greatest enemy. How do I wisely utilize time, then? An arduous task for one that believes he hasn’t much of it. “Thirty-two!? You’re still young,” some old-timer said. In what way do you figure that, Sir!? I once considered that I would be out of place at university at this stage, but it is not so much that. It is more that I would be thirty-six upon graduation. Also, what would I have to say to any of those 18 or 19-year-old college girls? That isn’t the reason I would be attending, but the point still stands. Listen, I do not want to learn Tik-Tok dances, nor do I want to be caught on Instagram posing with an OnlyFans… “model.” Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Patience, spirituality and how do I “use” time?
Certainly, to do nothing would not be a good use of time. People like to call that a waste of time. Is it, though? Maybe not doing anything doesn’t mean just sitting on the couch making fun of the characters on “90 Day Fiancé.” Talk about a waste of time. There is a midget who lives in Istanbul. She’s a hot midget, and I think I love her. No, really. That was an episode. Remember Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Paul Rudd keeps telling Jason Segel to “do less.” What he meant was that Jason Segel was trying too hard – thinking too much. Just let it happen; just let the moments occur as they inevitably will. “Creatively waiting.” That term reminds me of a story about Joseph. Joseph, a prisoner, was just waiting. What else was he to do besides wait? A moment came, an inevitable moment that was always going to happen, where a butler and a baker needed their dreams interpreted. Joseph picked his spot. You might say he was called into action. He waited for his day in the sun, and when it finally did come, that is when he crept out from the shadows. Imagine if Joseph were to constantly announce to the other prisoners that he could interpret dreams? That is sort of equivalent to me hopping in several different inboxes, essentially saying, “Hey, girls! I am ready for the sex!” Of course, that doesn’t come off well! Well, Joseph already learned that lesson, didn’t he? Not the multiple inbox lesson, but the lesson in remaining humble. His brothers did not like him so much for declaring to them what special gifts he had. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, inter-pret-ing the dreams. Oh, not that I have special sex gifts. I don’t.
The following is something out of Miss Paula’s playbook: The definition of a stream is “run or flow in a continuous current in a specified direction.” Toward a specified direction, which is always down. All streams start at a high point and flow downward. Hmm. Gently rowing down the stream in a specified direction. That sounds nice. Really nice. How has my thought process been to aggressively paddle to get to the end as fast as I possibly can? That sounds awful. Quite awful. But wait. Ha. “Wait.” Just how am I going to learn how to gently row? Patience is a spiritual principle. That means God must be called upon, and that likely means that He will call upon me when He thinks I am ready to be called upon.
There are practical things that I can do. Leave earlier for work, so I’m not blasting Ludacris songs at the car in front of me. Wake up earlier, so I don’t have to use the “I haven’t had my coffee yet” line. Understand that sports are just a game, and how fast I check the score doesn’t change the score. That isn’t necessarily what we are talking about, though. I want the career. I want the potential wifey. Well, apparently, I am not ready for those things yet, or maybe I’ve missed them due to my vigorous strokes. Come to think of it; I probably would already have the possible wifey if I had “vigorous strokes.” Now that I think about it a bit more, I think I do have those. Vigorous, fast strokes. The stream arrives all too quickly. Hold on. What has happened here? Allow me to digress. Maybe I just have to breathe. Maybe give time – time. I am sure that there is a company or a fine lady that has rowed their boat into an embankment, and if I apply what I have typed, surely, I can bring them on board, and we can row down the stream, gently, together. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
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