I saw it. I could have sworn I saw it! I know I saw it! I believe I saw it on “Snapchat.” She posted a picture of the man she loves proposing to her, and she said yes! I was over the moon for her. For a long stretch, I was very bitter toward her, but as time progressed, I became quite a fan of hers. All I wanted for her was to find somebody that could aid her in being happy, joyous, and free. It looked like she had found that. I am certain I saw it! I am so certain that for about two weeks now, I have been meaning to reach out and congratulate her. She really deserves it. Today, I went to her various social media pages to send my congratulations, but I saw nothing. There was no sight of any romantic proposal. Did I dream that she became engaged!? Or did something happen in the meantime? Oh, no. Something must have happened. I know what I saw.
She appeared to me in a dream last night. Her. My first love. The Woman in Black. It was a very short dream. Our interaction with each other was very brief. We were very close to each other, almost in an embrace, but no words were spoken. We just sort of somberly stared. Normally, she has longer hair, but it was cut short right above her shoulders. The way she had her bangs done covered one of her eyes. As noted, she was dressed in all black. She was dressed the way a widow would dress, but I knew she was no widow. She looked beautiful – I always thought she did. Doesn’t it seem like God’s hand drops this golden sparkle upon some people’s skin as a finishing touch? I remember thinking that whenever I looked at her back then. However, despite her beauty, she was visibly upset. She was always a little tougher than I, though. No tears came as she would never let me, or perhaps any man, see a single tear drop from her eye. It was as though she was grieving something. On the other hand, there was me, also upset, but I wasn’t handling it as well as she was. I was sobbing! Without an idea as to why! Even when I eventually woke up, I hadn’t a clue as to why I was in such a state of sadness. At the end of the dream, she grabbed my sleeves and pulled them down as if to say, “straighten up!” She took one last glance at me and walked away. I can’t say this with any certainty, but I remember thinking in the dream that she was walking back somewhere – perhaps to someone – that she did not wish to return to.
I’ve constantly been thinking about why I was sobbing like such a little bi… baby. There are surface-level reasons that I have considered, but I have done away with them. I thought maybe it was because I am grieving the loss of a relationship myself. Maybe it was due to some “it could have been me” complex. Not with her, no, but with the last one. Here was my first love about to tie the knot, and here I am still searching for something – something that might still be there, or something resembling a new beginning. In whatever position I find myself in, it is bittersweet to see people I love and care about doing the damn thing. Every day it seems that one of my family members or friends is on their way to starting a family of their own. But that’s okay, you know? By far and away, it brings me more joy than it does self-pity. Besides, there are people out there who have it way worse th- Aha!
Oh, me and my little petty problems that I think I have. Get over yourself, Josh. What gives you the right to hop on your little website and type about “suffering” when all you know is a breakup, and there is somebody out there who you care about who (possibly) had the rug of holy matrimony ripped right out from under them? Please tell me that is not what happened. No – I dreamt of her engagement. I must have. Fucking hell. I have no idea!
Somebody had me do a sort of meditation exercise a couple of years ago. I remember it clearly. They asked me to close my eyes and think about all the guilt and shame that I had. They had me try to deeply feel the pain and remorse that I had for my prior behavior. Then they had me think of that guilt, shame, pain, and remorse as something that could just be lifted right out of me, but that it had to go somewhere. It had to go to someone. He asked me how I would feel if that ball of negativity was to be transferred into somebody that I loved and if they had to deal with that. The response was immediate. “No! Absolutely not! Give it back to me! I will keep my fucking ‘problems!’ Whatever you do – do not give it to them, please!?”
I have no idea if The Woman in Black is in pain or not. Maybe it was a dream; maybe it was reality. What I do know is that if she is suffering that I don’t want her to. Maybe that’s why I was so inconsolable in the dream. I would gladly take any potential suffering out of her if I could. There is the answer right there, isn’t it? Is it not true that we would rather suffer ourselves than see the ones we care for suffering? Now, we aren’t Jesus. That isn’t what I’m suggesting, but to think that somebody could and would lift the suffering out of you and put it on themselves. How grateful would we be to them? We are all in this together, aren’t we? Myself and the stupid problems that myself think it has be damned! I like to think that I coined this phrase about Buddhism: “Buddhism is telling yourself to go fuck itself.” This is another parallel between Jesus and Gautama, but we needn’t get into that again. They say to be careful what you pray for. I’ve experienced exactly why they say that on more than one occasion, but I never learn. I’m going to risk it. I’ve never seen a point spread I didn’t like, anyway. Tonight, I pray a simple prayer, Father. If indeed she is suffering:
Giveth To Me the Grief of The Woman in Black.