Six months ago, I posted on my social media accounts that I had received my three-month chip. Ninety days free of alcohol. It felt good. Hell, three months prior to that I couldn’t even get nine hours, let alone ninety days. The outpour of love and support given to me by my family and friends was amazing. All those red notifications gave me little splashes of dopamine. Likes over life. Three months after that, though, I had thought about posting a picture with my six-month chip, but I decided against it. What am I going to do? Post something online announcing to the World that for X number of days, I stopped doing something that I shouldn’t have been doing anyway? Big accomplishment! Maybe tomorrow I’ll post a picture with my thirty-one year “haven’t murdered anybody” chip! In all seriousness, I do feel a sense of accomplishment with these 283 days sober, and I have you all to thank you for that. Honestly. Thank you all for my sobriety. Keep coming back we need each other.
Today, I’m filled with gratitude. I’m grateful to my Grandparents for never giving up on me and investing in me. I’m grateful that my Pop gets to see my little brother. I’m also grateful that my Pop still does things he enjoys, although, he may know by now that he can’t “shred” that hard. I’m grateful that I get to work with my Mom. There are kids at the place we work at that are in their mid-20’s that she can run fuckin’ circles around. I’m grateful for all of my cousins, but a little extra gratitude that a few of them were able to beat COVID. Speaking of the plandemic, I’m grateful that it has yet to affect me personally. I’ve been able to go wherever I want and do whatever I want with little to no restriction. Catch me outside, baby. I’m out here. I’m grateful to my A.A. home group, the Twomey Group here in Centerville, TN. They left the light on for me. They’re like Motel 6 if Motel 6 actually had sober people staying there. I’m grateful for my “zoom home group,” Charlz Harper’s “Recovery Matters.” (I don’t think he will mind that anonymity breach) Every single night at 6:30 people log on and share their experience, strength, and hope with me. I love the people on there, and some of them I haven’t even met. I’m grateful that sports are back, hockey in particular. It does kind of suck with no fans, though. The analogy I use is that it’s like getting your ex-girlfriend back after she’s gone out and “had a little fun.” “Ugh. That sucks. But I’m glad you’re back, I guess.” I’m grateful to my co-workers for making work not suck as much as work already sucks. As you can see, there is a laundry list of things that I am grateful for today. A list that did not contain much of anything 284 days ago.
Yes, I hear you, Jesus Freaks. “No gratitude to God in that laundry list, huh?” The truth is that I’m extremely grateful to God for doing for me what I could not do for myself. I just don’t know who or what that is yet. My Pop put me onto a man named Jaggi Vasudev, otherwise known as “Sadhguru.” Sadhguru has helped me with my understanding of God, and that understanding is that I do not understand at all. “If you believe there is God or do not believe there is God, you are in the same boat. You believe in something you do not know.” Here’s what I do know: Every (most) morning I wake up, I ask God to help me and when I go to sleep, I tell God thank you. For 283 days that method has been successful, so I’m not about to quit doing it. After a meeting recently, I was explaining to one of the old-timers my apprehensions with the Christian God. I told him that I was trying. He replied, “go ahead and try to lift your right leg.” Without thinking, I just lifted my right leg. “Exactly. Just fuckin’ do it, man,” he said. Fair enough. However, it has dawned on me that if I’m really as caught in the weeds about Christianity as I think I am that I should explore other possibilities. “If you say you do not know, the longing to know will arise within you. When the longing arises, the seeking arises. When the seeking arises, the possibility of knowing exists.” Sadhguru once again. So, after hearing that I ordered a book on Buddhism because I’m an extremist. I told everyone at a meeting that after reading the first chapter, I sat underneath a tree for four straight days awaiting enlightenment. That’s a hilarious joke that somehow didn’t really land. How could they possibly have thought I was serious? Anyway, a lot of what I’m reading in “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching” really speaks to me. Sure, maybe the same things could be written in a book that isn’t underneath the umbrella of a religion and it would speak to me, but they were. Right view, right thinking, right mindfulness, right speech, right action, right diligence, right concentration, right livelihood. Not much wrong with any of that, eh? The teaching of impermanence, or “anicca,” has played a major role in sustaining my day-to-day serenity. Nothing lasts forever. Nobody lives forever, no feeling lasts forever, no thought, no situation, no event, no circumstance. Nothing. With this knowledge, what reason is there for me to give a shit about things that don’t concern me? The Uncomfortable Truth of Life is that we all die. Everyone we love dies, everyone we hate dies, we die, and the chance that we do anything of significance that will be remembered in the future is almost zero percent. Ironically, accepting this Uncomfortable Truth has made me comfortable with this truth. We all must live in this World with that Uncomfortable Truth, so let’s put our crosses on our backs, and walk up this hill together. I couldn’t care less about who the President is. Obviously, I like one guy better than the other, but realistically it means absolutely nothing to me. I just love y’all and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Buddhism rules.. *Butthead voice*
Suppose that’s all I have for my now, friends. I would love to hear how you’re doing or feeling now. If you feel so inclined to share, please email your write-up to josh@wysb.me, and I’ll post it on the site. Anonymously, if you wish. Ultimately, I would like to cultivate a platform where people can express how the feel about their lives without some stupid fuckin’ conservative or liberal troll ruining it for everyone. Until next time.
Again, thank you all for my sobriety.
I’m grateful too. Thx for this